BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:26 pm


The way you sleep after having a few.. Very Happy

After two beers.



After 3 glasses of wine..




After 4 Kamikazes..



A few bottles of shared wine..



A few Margaritas..



Two bottles of Jack Daniels..



And after all that..
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:05 pm




What a GREAT idea.
The Airport Solution

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be none of this hassle about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."



Works for me!.... cheers

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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Wed Jun 30, 2010 6:48 pm



The eagle gently coaxed her offspring toward the edge of the nest. Her heart quivered with conflicting emotions as she felt their resistance to her persistent nudging.

"Why does the thrill of soaring have to begin with the fear of falling?" she thought.

This ageless question was still unanswered for her.

As in the tradition of the species, her nest was located high on the shelf of a sheer rock face.

Below there was nothing but air to support the wings of each child. "Is it possible that this time it will not work?" she thought.

Despite her fears, the eagle knew it was time. Her parental mission was all but complete.

There remained one final task - the push.

The eagle drew courage from an innate wisdom. Until her children discovered their wings, there was no purpose for their lives. Until they learned how to soar, they would fail to understand the privilege it was to have been born an eagle.

The push was the greatest gift she had to offer. It was her supreme act of love.

And so one by one she pushed them! and they flew!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry,
but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die,
it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other,
we may even become friends.

~ Maya Angelou ~

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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  El Guapo on Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:18 am

nelix wrote:[color=darkblue]

The eagle gently coaxed her offspring toward the edge of the nest. Her heart quivered with conflicting emotions as she felt their resistance to her persistent nudging.

"Why does the thrill of soaring have to begin with the fear of falling?" she thought.

This ageless question was still unanswered for her.

As in the tradition of the species, her nest was located high on the shelf of a sheer rock face.

Below there was nothing but air to support the wings of each child. "Is it possible that this time it will not work?" she thought.

Despite her fears, the eagle knew it was time. Her parental mission was all but complete.

There remained one final task - the push.

The eagle drew courage from an innate wisdom. Until her children discovered their wings, there was no purpose for their lives. Until they learned how to soar, they would fail to understand the privilege it was to have been born an eagle.

The push was the greatest gift she had to offer. It was her supreme act of love.

And so one by one she pushed them! and they flew!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Eagle's chicks peered over the top of the nest to watch their mother slowly soar towards them in the morning sun. They looked at each other happily and chirped excitedly as they wondered what their mother would be bringing them for breakfast today.

The Eagle touched down and as it did so it's offspring noted with puzzlement that today their mother did not appear to have any tasty tidbits held in her beak. What was the meaning of this they wondered? Had they done something wrong? Were they being punished?

The Eagle hopped over to one of the chicks nestled in a cosy corner of the nest. Suddenly, and without warning, the Eagle pushed the chick over the side of the nest to send it plummeting towards the ground!

Horrified, the other chicks watched their little brother disappear downwards and out of sight. What the fuck was this bitch's problem the other chicks wondered?

The Eagle then turned her attention to another of the chicks and began to push.

No! No! Fuck off! Leave me alone! The little chick chirped furiously in protest moments before it too was pushed over the side and sent downwards into oblivion.

Only one chick left now. Fixing it's eyes on it's psychotic mother it circled the nest warily. The chick couldn't understand what had possessed it's mother today but opne thing was for sure, it wasn't going to give in without a fight.

The Eagle suddenly made a lunge for it's chick. With a determined focussed cheep the chick darted to the left to avoid the killer push. The Eagle once again lunged and this time the chick darted to the right. Finally the Eagle feinted and the chick was outwitted as it's mother latched her beak on to it's wing.

Mum! Mum..wtf you doing?! Please!! The chick cheeped desperately as it's mother nudged it towards the side of the nest.

Mum! It's fucking high up here! Don't fuck about! Please!!

Still no answer from tthe Eagle as it nudged the chick ever closer to it's doom.

Mum! FFS Mum...! Argh......yooooooooooooooooooou biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!

The chick was pushed over the edge and it too went plummeting downwards.

The Eagle looked at the now empty nest and then looked downwards over the edge.

That'll teach the little bastards she thought to herself with a satisfied evil grin.






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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:21 am

cheers
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  dolly on Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:26 am

Some Rat facts

# One pair of rats has the potential for 15,000 descendants in a year. A female can produce up to twelve litters of twenty rats a year.

# Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.

# The rat has been called the world's most destructive mammal - other than man.

# Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world's food supply each year.

# 25% of all fires of unknown origin are rat-caused.

# 26% of all electric cable breaks and 18% of all phone cable disruptions are caused by rats.


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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Thu Jul 01, 2010 6:52 pm



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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Mon Jul 05, 2010 2:08 pm


Confucius, whose name literally means "Master Kong", lived 551-479 BCE. He was a Chinese thinker and philosopher, whose teachings have deeply influenced not only Asian thought and life. He presented himself as a "transmitter who invented nothing" and he really pointed out the importance of learning, which is one reason he is seen by Chinese people as "The Greatest Master".

One of the best known sources of Confucius are The Analects, a collection of his teachings, which was compiled many years after his death. A fountain of extremely mindful quotes springs from these ancient descriptions.

Many of them are universal and timeless in their beautiful and simple truth and they are as valid today as on the day they left Confucius’ mouth. Here we take a look at 10 of the most inspiring quotes by Confucius.

Confucius says …

1. "Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself."

It’s the "Golden Rule" and the essence of real compassion . Not compassion as in looking down on someone and have pity for another, this is no real compassion. Compassion means seeing another person 100% equal to yourself (in value, not in differentials on the surface which ultimately do not matter). In fact it is seeing yourself in every other person. And therefore you cannot harm anyone without also harming yourself.

It doesn’t mean to lose individuality or self-worth, on the contrary – but the other person earns the same gift.

2. "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance."

That’s my personal favorite quote since it expresses something very profound which also is very useful to know: Ignorance is a willful neglect or refusal to acquire knowledge. It is not widen one’s own perspective in order to see a broader truth. As an example it would be to have racist thoughts and not realizing that all men are equal.

The ultimate truth therefore is where there is absolutely no ignorance, meaning where the perspective or consciousness has become one with all that there is. In Buddhism ignorance (Avidyā) is seen as the primary cause of suffering. Liberation is Enlightenment. Another quote by Confucius here is "Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star."

3. "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."

Those quotes are just perfect. What he is expressing here is that we have to experience something ourselves in order to really understand it. If we are hearing something it might be interesting. If we are seeing something it might be beautiful. But only if we feel in happening to ourselves we can really know how it is.

Picture something nice as winning an Olympic gold medal or picture something terrifying as the loss of a loved one. Can you know this by hearing it or by seeing it? Or do you have to do it and experience it yourself to really know it?

Along with this realization comes the awareness that you cannot understand someone or his actions from hearing or seeing it from the outside. You have to feel empathic compassion for him to really know what it is like. To know and not to do is really not to know. Only by applying our knowledge we can validate it’s harmony with reality, it’s truth.

4. "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

Amazing. It calls for dropping the inner mask through which we constantly see and evaluate the world, distorted by our wants and belief-systems. Here we have to look at things as they are. Just like a newborn child would look at things. Then we are able to really see again, without instant labeling of what we see and therefore only really seeing our label. If we become able to do this – just for a second without judgment, we can see that everything in nature is as it should be. And in this natural perfection lies beauty.

5. "The Superior Man is aware of Righteousness, the inferior man is aware of advantage."

Another quote is "The object of the superior man is truth." It is the value of integrity: Do we act to our best knowledge of truth or do we bend ourselves and violate our integrity in order to gain an advantage? Do we play fair game or use perfidious tactics?

To be truthful to ourselves is also important to the development of (good) character. And it is the only straight way to liberation.

6. "Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."

Whatever you do and whatever you commit to, do it fully, give your all – one hundred percent. It is the essence of Carpe Diem – Seizing the day and it’s surely the best way to be satisfied with what we do and get the best results.

7. "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."

There is no failure, there are only valuable learning experiences. Or as Thomas Edison about inventing the light bulb said: "I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work." The important thing is not giving up, but learning and then improving by using this feedback to get better and ultimately succeed.

A quote expressing the same principle is "A man who has committed a mistake and doesn’t correct it, is committing another mistake."

8. "He who learns but does not think, is lost. He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger."

Confucius explains the connection of learning and reflection. Reflection of that what we learned by thinking or of the results we get by applying the knowledge. "Study without reflection is a waste of time; reflection without study is dangerous" is a similar quote by Confucius. Learning is only useful if we connect the learning within our own minds, with what we already know and what is useful for us. This reflection of any knowledge also saves us from blindly following any knowledge without checking its truthfulness and validity to us.

I think everybody experienced learning when we really want this knowledge and interweave it with what we already know. If there is a need or problem we want to solve, the consume knowledge much more effective than it happens for students in many universities.

9. "He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools."

This quote calls for planning and preparation. This includes getting and improving the personal skills we need to be successful. If we want to hold speeches we have to become good with communication skills. If we want to win a race we have to train for it. If we want to do a big project we need knowledge in project management. Steven Covey calls it Sharpening the saw, read about it here.

10. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?"

It shows that our primary work lies within ourselves: to work on ourselves and improve will automatically take care of the outside world if we use our abilities then. "When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves." The solution to problems is not "out there". It is the Inside-Out approach: success and happiness can only be found by working on ourselves. It also entails the spiritual message to look inside and to discover ourselves fully.
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  LP on Tue Jul 06, 2010 4:40 am

I've got dry skin on my elbow Mad
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  dolly on Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:26 am

E45 cream will sort that out ... cyclops
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  DarkLord on Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:30 am

Use Cocoa Butter, Smells better than E-45 Laughing
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  LP on Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:31 am

Cool, thanks for the tip Very Happy
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:28 am


Forget all the fancy creams and lotions..Just use baby oil as a daily moisturizer after your bath/shower..Job done, and your skin will be soft and all hard skin in the usual areas will be gone..Trust me, i'm a granny and have been doing this for over 40 years.
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  LP on Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:55 am

I'm getting out the baby oil as we speak Wink
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  EarthsAngel on Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:08 am

El_Guapo wrote:
nelix wrote:[color=darkblue]

The eagle gently coaxed her offspring toward the edge of the nest. Her heart quivered with conflicting emotions as she felt their resistance to her persistent nudging.

"Why does the thrill of soaring have to begin with the fear of falling?" she thought.

This ageless question was still unanswered for her.

As in the tradition of the species, her nest was located high on the shelf of a sheer rock face.

Below there was nothing but air to support the wings of each child. "Is it possible that this time it will not work?" she thought.

Despite her fears, the eagle knew it was time. Her parental mission was all but complete.

There remained one final task - the push.

The eagle drew courage from an innate wisdom. Until her children discovered their wings, there was no purpose for their lives. Until they learned how to soar, they would fail to understand the privilege it was to have been born an eagle.

The push was the greatest gift she had to offer. It was her supreme act of love.

And so one by one she pushed them! and they flew!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Eagle's chicks peered over the top of the nest to watch their mother slowly soar towards them in the morning sun. They looked at each other happily and chirped excitedly as they wondered what their mother would be bringing them for breakfast today.

The Eagle touched down and as it did so it's offspring noted with puzzlement that today their mother did not appear to have any tasty tidbits held in her beak. What was the meaning of this they wondered? Had they done something wrong? Were they being punished?

The Eagle hopped over to one of the chicks nestled in a cosy corner of the nest. Suddenly, and without warning, the Eagle pushed the chick over the side of the nest to send it plummeting towards the ground!

Horrified, the other chicks watched their little brother disappear downwards and out of sight. What the fuck was this bitch's problem the other chicks wondered?

The Eagle then turned her attention to another of the chicks and began to push.

No! No! Fuck off! Leave me alone! The little chick chirped furiously in protest moments before it too was pushed over the side and sent downwards into oblivion.

Only one chick left now. Fixing it's eyes on it's psychotic mother it circled the nest warily. The chick couldn't understand what had possessed it's mother today but opne thing was for sure, it wasn't going to give in without a fight.

The Eagle suddenly made a lunge for it's chick. With a determined focussed cheep the chick darted to the left to avoid the killer push. The Eagle once again lunged and this time the chick darted to the right. Finally the Eagle feinted and the chick was outwitted as it's mother latched her beak on to it's wing.

Mum! Mum..wtf you doing?! Please!! The chick cheeped desperately as it's mother nudged it towards the side of the nest.

Mum! It's fucking high up here! Don't fuck about! Please!!

Still no answer from tthe Eagle as it nudged the chick ever closer to it's doom.

Mum! FFS Mum...! Argh......yooooooooooooooooooou biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!

The chick was pushed over the edge and it too went plummeting downwards.

The Eagle looked at the now empty nest and then looked downwards over the edge.

That'll teach the little bastards she thought to herself with a satisfied evil grin.





LMAO El, that was brilliant!!!

I really love this thread, thanks Nel and everyone else who contributes, it's a great place to come and read the latest postings xxx

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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Tue Jul 06, 2010 3:07 pm


You know when the marrage is over when... Very Happy








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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  LP on Wed Jul 07, 2010 3:10 am

You can only go halfway into a forest, the rest of it you are going out!
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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  EarthsAngel on Wed Jul 07, 2010 4:43 am





Caesar (rottweiler) Rambo, our miniture Maltese.

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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Wed Jul 07, 2010 8:06 am


Jobs performed by dogs

A Turnspit Dog at work in a kitchen.
Although most modern dogs are kept as pets, there are still a tremendous number of ways in which dogs can and do assist humans, and more uses are found for them every year. The following list provides an idea of the versatility of dogs:

Turnspit dogs were used as a source of power, they turned a treadmill connected to a roasting spit. Similar arrangements were used for household duties such as churning butter.
Service or assistance dogs help people with various disabilities in every day tasks. Some examples include mobility assistance dogs for the physically handicapped, guide dogs for the visually impaired, and hearing dogs for the hearing impaired.

Therapy dogs visit people who are incapacitated or prevented in some way from having freedom of movement; these dogs provide cheer and entertainment for the elderly in retirement facilities, the ill and injured in hospitals, and so on. The very act of training dogs can also act as a therapy for human handlers, as in a prisoner rehabilitation project.

Rescue dogs assist people who are in difficult situations, such as in the water after a boat disaster.
Search dogs locate people who are missing; lost in the wilderness, escaped from nursing homes, covered in snow avalanches, buried under collapsed buildings, etc.

Herding dogs are still invaluable to sheep and cattle handlers (stock men) around the world for mustering; different breeds are used for the different jobs involved in stock work and for guarding the flocks and herds. Modern herding dogs help to control cattle and wild geese in parks or goats used for weed control. A well trained dog can adapt to control any sort of domestic and many wild animals.

Sled dogs, although today primarily used in sporting events, still can assist in transporting people and supplies in rugged, snowy terrain.

Performing dogs such as Circus dogs and dog actors are trained to perform acts that are not intrinsically useful, but instead provide entertainment to their audience or enable human artistic performances.

Hunting dogs assist hunters in finding, tracking, and retrieving game, or in routing vermin. Less frequently a dog, or rather or a pack of them, actually fights a predator, such as a bear or feral pig.

Guard dogs and watch dogs help to protect private or public property, either in living or used for patrols, as in the military and with security firms.
Tracking dogs help find lost people and animals or track down possible criminals.

Cadaver dog or Human Remains Detection Dogs use their scenting ability to discover bodies or human remains at the scenes of disasters, crimes, accidents, or suicides.
Detection dogs of a wide variety help to detect termites in homes, illegal substances in luggage, bombs, chemicals, and many other substances.

War Dogs or K9 Corps are used by armed forces in many of the same roles as civilian working dogs, but in a military context. In addition, specialized military tasks such as mine detection or wire laying have been assigned to dogs.

Police dogs, also sometimes called K9 Units, are usually trained to track or immobilize possible criminals while assisting officers in making arrests or investigating the scene of a crime. Some are even specially trained for anti-terrorist units, as in Austria.

Dogs are sometimes used in programs to assist children in learning how to read. The Reading With Rover program in Washington pairs trained dogs with children who read aloud to the dog. This process builds confidence and reduces stress.[2]
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Post  EarthsAngel on Wed Jul 07, 2010 10:12 am

What about seeing eye Dogs, dogs who help look after quadriplegic and wheelchair bound people. n Dogs can be trained to do almost any task. Dogs have been trained to find truffles (wish I had one) They are really amazing animals and every home should have one.Dogs and Cats have been known to save people's lives........fire in the home and the family were sleeping, dogs wakes them up and gets them out of the house, cats have done the same thing. It is pure, unconditional love.

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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  dolly on Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:24 pm

DarkLord wrote:Use Cocoa Butter, Smells better than E-45 Laughing

it does too.... Wink
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Post  Dame Edna on Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:28 am


Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí i Domènech, 1st Marquis of Púbol (May 11, 1904 – January 23, 1989) was a prominent Spanish Catalan surrealist painter born in Figueres.

Dalí (Spanish pronunciation: [daˈli]) was a skilled draftsman, best known for the striking and bizarre images in his surrealist work. His painterly skills are often attributed to the influence of Renaissance masters His best-known work, The Persistence of Memory, was completed in 1931. Dalí's expansive artistic repertoire includes film, sculpture, and photography, in collaboration with a range of artists in a variety of media.

Dalí attributed his "love of everything that is gilded and excessive, my passion for luxury and my love of oriental clothes" to a self-styled "Arab lineage," claiming that his ancestors were descended from the Moors.

Dalí was highly imaginative, and also had an affinity for partaking in unusual and grandiose behavior, in order to draw attention to himself. This sometimes irked those who loved his art as much as it annoyed his critics, since his eccentric manner sometimes drew more public attention than his artwork....I'll second that. cheers

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Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

Post  Dame Edna on Fri Jul 09, 2010 7:08 am


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

---- his father replied,



'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?..... lol!








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Post  Dame Edna on Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:12 pm


Sometimes there are just no words.. Very Happy















My favourite..... cheers

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Post  dolly on Sat Jul 10, 2010 8:22 am

hahahahaha nel Laughing

heres a little fact for you...

Rats and horses can't vomit.

now I bet you're glad you know that aren't you !!! What a Face
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