The funny inbox

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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Sun Jan 31, 2010 8:05 am

Following the return of Sol Campbell,
Wenger has put in bids for Barry White, Alexander O'Neil, and Oprah Winfrey. He wants to play a Fat Black four
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Admin on Sun Jan 31, 2010 12:52 pm

CatNip wrote:An 85-year-old man was requested by his
doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'



Shocked


LOL Needs an aid!!!!
xxx found you!
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  EarthsAngel on Mon Feb 01, 2010 11:38 am

Thanks to the person who sent this to me..... you know who you are



You can always count on our Down-Under friends to speak from the heart and tell it like it is!! Well said Mate.

T. B. Bechtel, a City councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian, American or Canadian life, then I have only three things to say,' :

'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'

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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Mon Feb 01, 2010 11:53 am

lmao earth x
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Guest on Wed Feb 03, 2010 10:19 am

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is. Laughing

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Re: The funny inbox

Post  xtras on Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:53 am

The Fairy & The Immigrant



A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Pakistan where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are English,
you're entitled to
sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:24 am

Two muslim mothers are having a chat

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts
flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair
when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18, she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first
started school'

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  EarthsAngel on Sat Feb 06, 2010 5:34 am

ROFLMAO!!! Some brilliant jokes! Going to copy them and send them to my friends x cheers cheers lol!

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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:04 am

A woman is given a hospital tour.
She looks in a room, sees a man wanking.

"Thats awful"
she says 2 the Doctor.

He explains that the man has a incurable condition.
His testicles fill with semen so fast, that he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in terrible pain.

"Poor man"
says the woman.

In the next room a nurse is sucking a mans cock.

"Explain that?" she says to the Doctor.

The Doc says "Same condition but he's with BUPA"
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:15 am

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



So he married the one with the biggest tits.
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  xtras on Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:14 pm

pmsl !!!! Smile x
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:27 am

I went to the doctor's to get my aching testicles checked out.

While the GP was cupping my scrotum, he said: "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this kind of exanination."

I snapped back: "WHAT? I haven't got one.

" He replied: "No, but I have!"
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Guest on Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:56 am

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son describing his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you, Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vincenzo.


At 4 a.m. the next morning the police arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best that I could do in the circumstances.
Love, Vincenzo.

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Re: The funny inbox

Post  xtras on Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:59 am

LMAO alf !!!! that was brilliant x
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  xtras on Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:00 am

Chelseaboy wrote:I went to the doctor's to get my aching testicles checked out.

While the GP was cupping my scrotum, he said: "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this kind of exanination."

I snapped back: "WHAT? I haven't got one.

" He replied: "No, but I have!"

lol x
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Fri Feb 19, 2010 1:25 pm

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' ... In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here:


Beer Demo
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Guest on Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:38 am

Now the fairy & the immigrant im gonna have to try and remember. I PMSL at the joke , well done Xtras .

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Re: The funny inbox

Post  EarthsAngel on Sun Apr 11, 2010 8:06 am

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was

where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa !



One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in

cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!



I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens

iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh,

She's Eleven."



The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the

two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!



There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Hartlepool but I've been

banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets!





Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil

from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.



Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug

for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagen.

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Who said footballers weren't intelligent?

Post  Jimmy Saville on Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:34 pm







"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."

David Beckham



"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."

Mark Viduka



"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."

David Beckham



"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."

Neville Southall



"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."

Paul Gascoigne



"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."

Alan Shearer



"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."

Mark Draper



"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."

Peter Shilton



"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "

Stan Collymore



"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."

Ade Akinbiyi



"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."

Ian Wright



"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."

Ugo Ehiogu



" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."

Jonathan Woodgate



"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

Stuart Pearce



"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."

Lee Hendrie



"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."

Ian Rush



"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."

Steve Lomas



"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."

Barry Venison



"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."

David Beckham



"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."

Phil Neville



"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."

Mitchell Thomas



"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."

Alan Shearer



"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."

Johnny Giles
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Dame Edna on Fri Apr 16, 2010 5:22 pm

Sooooo funny winny!! cheers
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:31 pm

Got to admire Emile Heskey...
Had a disastrous world Cup...
came home,
put a frock on and won the womens title at Wimbledon.

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Re: The funny inbox

Post  xtras on Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:31 pm

i forgot how to post
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  Chelseaboy on Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:33 pm

i see you havent forgot how to
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  xtras on Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:34 pm

nope :booyah: xx
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Re: The funny inbox

Post  xtras on Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:35 pm

oh sh*t has booyah gone Embarassed



hey babe Shocked
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Re: The funny inbox

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