El's Pick of the Day's Stories

The bastards have kidnapped Ronald!!!

El Guapo wrote:Hilarious isn't it? hahaha I love how after all the dancing he gets knocked out in the 1st round! lmfao!!

hahaha, that was hilarious!!! What a jerk

Does he dance better than he boxes?

Limp-wristed plonker

Ed Miliband. Who else?!

Today APPRENTICE star Nick Hewer has blasted Ed Miliband's limp handshake.

Lord Sugar's top aide made his scathing comments after meeting the Labour leader. Mr Hewer - a lifelong Labour supporter - said: "Oh dear, oh dear. He has the weakest handshake in Western Europe.

"I went straight to William Hill and asked them to take a bet he will not be Labour leader by the next election. They wouldn't."

The BBC1 star was equally withering about Ed's rivals in last year's leadership contest.

He said: "Five candidates and not one leader. Waste of time."

He contrasted today's Labour bigwigs with those of the past, such as Denis Healey, saying: "Where are the giants?"

Limp wristed and with a lisp, not really leadership material is he lol! Not that is really matters who LieBores leader is, they are finished for a long, long time to come.............thank God!

Lobster alert in Eastbourne!

Government officials have warned the public to brace themselves for a sharp rise in lobsters along our British coast this May. But we're no talking about our good old aquatic friends living under da sea here. Nope, we're talking about the archetypal sunburnt Brit. That's right, because this May Britain is set to bask in a glorious 29c heatwave!

Although forecasters have predicted cooler temperatures this week - we could be set for the hottest May on record with the soaring temperatures to start this weekend!

Don't forget to put the suntan lotion on folks!

OUCH! and we are having unseasonably cool May.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww fat sod! Even his plumbers bum is getting red. Are you allowed to drink beer on the beaches there?

Lembit Ewwwwwwwpik!

I'M A Celebrity star Lembit Opik got frisky with his young girlfriend on a flight to America.

The former Lib Dem MP, 45, and gorgeous Merily McGivern, 21, sneaked into the toilet cubicle of the British Airways jet at 35,000ft.

Passengers giggled as the pair - who had drunk champagne - emerged just two minutes later looking "flushed" and sheepish.

A passenger on Thursday's flight from Britain to Los Angeles said: "She looked utterly stunning - you could hardly blame him for wanting a bit of in-flight entertainment.

"Everyone was chuckling about it because they seemed like such an odd couple. He fell asleep on her lap after."

Lembit joins a Mile High Club that reportedly includes Richard Branson and John Travolta.

His sex life was already fruity, with his exes including weathergirl Sian Lloyd and Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia.

He was taking Merily to Tahiti where he is giving an after-dinner speech on a cruise liner.

Love the bit about emerging only two minutes later hahahaha

Cat in the act

Ever wondered if your pets are capable of more than they make out? No point trying to style it out now Moggie. You've just been rumbled lol

LMAO, that was so funny! I must watch out and see what my cats get up to when no one is around. Daisy keeps going missing for a few days at a time, I think I will attach a mini cam to her collar. She pretends to be such a lady!

I already told you Daisy is the neighbourhood moggie slut lol

Some Mother's Do 'Ave Em

A DAFT crook has turned up in court wearing the coat he denied stealing.

Stephen Kirkbride was ordered to surrender the £125 Craghopper waterproof when shop staff giving evidence against him realised it was the one he stole.

Store manager Deborah Robson said: "I pointed the jacket out to the police officer and he seized it straight away."

Kirkbride, 46, had told magistrates he got the coat — which had tears where security tags were ripped off — in a charity shop.

He said: "It was damaged but I thought it was a bargain."

Judith Birkett, defending, insisted he would not have been stupid enough to turn up at court in a stolen coat.

But he was convicted of theft at South Lakeland Magistrates' Court in Kendal, Cumbria.

And magistrate Jenny Farmer said his excuses were "completely implausible".

Police had already found the coat's inner fleece after Kirkbride was caught nicking the item on CCTV in Feburary.

But cops had not located the outer jacket until he turned up wearing it.

Crown prosecutor David Duke said: "You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?"

Kirkbride was bailed. Sentencing was adjourned.

Mine's a lager

A SHOPLIFTING mum downs up to 28 pints of lager in a single day, a court heard.

Dawn Marsden, 31, drinks so much she should be dead, experts said.

She was wrecked as she appeared on a theft charge and had to ask reporters later what her sentence was.

Jobless Marsden spends all day drinking cheap lager at home in Hartlepool, Teesside, and steals to fund her habit. The charge related to ten packs of bacon stolen from a Co-op and sold for £1 each.

Her solicitor John Relton told the town's magistrates: "You may have noticed my client has a drink problem. She will drink up to 16 litres a day. She has a long-standing appetite for alcohol."

Her two-year-old daughter was taken into foster care because of her boozing, the court heard. Marsden, who has a string of previous convictions for theft, admitted the new charge and was handed a six-month conditional discharge.

She then turned to a reporter to check the sentence, before branding it a "sham" and walking out.

Her booze intake is a staggering 84 units in 24 hours - the recommended safe guideline for women for a month.

She sinks more than the drink-drive limit EVERY HOUR of the day.

After the hearing, addiction counsellor Dr Robert Lefever said her body would not cope if she suddenly stopped.

He said: "She should be dead at those levels. The reason she isn't is that she has trained her body by drinking every day. She is the equivalent of an Olympic athlete when it comes to drinking."

Yesterday Marsden said: "I'm going on detox next month."



Sometimes words just fail me.

El Guapo wrote:Mine's a lager

A SHOPLIFTING mum downs up to 28 pints of lager in a single day, a court heard.

Dawn Marsden, 31, drinks so much she should be dead, experts said.

She was wrecked as she appeared on a theft charge and had to ask reporters later what her sentence was.

Jobless Marsden spends all day drinking cheap lager at home in Hartlepool, Teesside, and steals to fund her habit. The charge related to ten packs of bacon stolen from a Co-op and sold for £1 each.

Her solicitor John Relton told the town's magistrates: "You may have noticed my client has a drink problem. She will drink up to 16 litres a day. She has a long-standing appetite for alcohol."

Her two-year-old daughter was taken into foster care because of her boozing, the court heard. Marsden, who has a string of previous convictions for theft, admitted the new charge and was handed a six-month conditional discharge.

She then turned to a reporter to check the sentence, before branding it a "sham" and walking out.

Her booze intake is a staggering 84 units in 24 hours - the recommended safe guideline for women for a month.

She sinks more than the drink-drive limit EVERY HOUR of the day.

After the hearing, addiction counsellor Dr Robert Lefever said her body would not cope if she suddenly stopped.

He said: "She should be dead at those levels. The reason she isn't is that she has trained her body by drinking every day. She is the equivalent of an Olympic athlete when it comes to drinking."

Yesterday Marsden said: "I'm going on detox next month."



Sometimes words just fail me.

Bloody Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You had bacon yesterday! Did you get it for a £1?


I can't imagine a man drinking that much tbh, but a woman drinking like hat everyday is disgusting. She didn't love her daughter enough to quit, sick bitch. Nice of the tax payer to fund her habit, lazy, drunken cow.

Valet Parking?

Not much happening in the news today so what better way to fill up a page than with a picture of a woman's efforts at parking her Lexus...

In quick dry cement.

(altogether now....titter)

Dozy mare, but do the same sort of thing quite often.

Dozy mare, but do the same sort of thing quite often.

Dodgy Days Out

Running out of ideas of where to take the kids this holiday? Well here are some of the more wackier places. Just don't expect the kids to thank you for it!

THE Isle of Wight Garlic Festival, entry £8: "Arrive hungry!" screams the literature. Presumably, you have to. "Leave stinking!" it could add.

Teapot Island, Maidstone, Kent, £2.50: "People visit this odd exhibition - that isn't actually an island by any stretch of the imagination - dressed as cups, thus scaring children.

"There are 3,500 teapots. It's awful if you don't like teapots. But it's probably all right if you do."

Dracula Experience, Whitby, £3: "They claim: 'As you enter a dreadful fear will come upon you'. Highlights include a room containing a dummy in a sailor's costume tied to a mock ship's wheel with string."

Cumberland Pencil Museum, Keswick, £3.50: "'Home of the world's first pencil!' They put that exclamation mark in. That really deserves an exclamation mark, in the way that, say, 'We've put a bomb under your car!' deserves one."

The Dinosaur Museum, Dorchester, £6.99: "One of the main talking points is the lack of dinosaurs, whether alive or dead. Instead the museum prominently features a number of plastic toys similar to those widely available at your local market.

Cerne Abbas Giant, Dorset, free, and Uffington White Horse, Oxfordshire, free: "It's an odd idea - come to visit something you can't see unless you are 130ft tall."

Woodhenge Wiltshire and old radios and televisions
Logged off ... Woodhenge and, right, The Bakelite Museum
Alamy

The Bakelite Museum, Williton, Somerset, £5: "If you like your thermoset phenol formaldehyde resin formed from an elimination reaction of phenol with formaldehyde, then you'll love the Bakelite Museum."

Stanton Drew Stone Circles, Somerset, £1 in honesty box: "A group of big stones so uninteresting that they aren't even on top of each other.

"That's right. A bunch of big stones which don't even merit the word 'henge'."

Woodhenge, Wilts, free: "Apart from anything else, all the wood has gone

Pups Away!

OTIS the pug flies through the air strapped to owner Will Da Silva — in his 64th tandem skydive.

The ten-year-old dog wears special goggles for the parachute leaps from thousands of feet above LA.

Will said: "He seems to love it.

"He's having a ball like a dog with his head out of the car window."