Some Old....Some New

Dolly will probably hit me for the Liverpool one

Some old, some new

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 Anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!"

* * * *

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack—a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA.

* * * *

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

* * * *

Speaking of which, I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens' iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

* * * *

"Hi Mum. How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at B & Q."

"Yes, we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

"Arrested! What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this Caribbean woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

* * * *

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back: "Manchester United.”

* * * *

Never Lose Your Grandson!

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre the other day.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my Grandad!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandad."

The guard smiled, then asked: "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied: "Red wine, and women with big t1ts."

I know of a little known tip on how to avoid shark attacks. They don't eat dry people.

LOL Maidinheaven, I'll pass that one on to all our surfers.


These are good.

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got
boiled down to four letter words.


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial"
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating



The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." -
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support
rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx