Jokes section

Now, I'm not saying Coleen Rooney is as thick as Wayne, but when she heard he'd paid £1,200 for a 19 year old Escort, she asked if it was Taxed & MOT'd!!!!

George Michael's settled well in Prison. He's already written a song about his skinhead Cell mate..... It will be his new single called "Hairless Fister"

DarkLord wrote:In tune with the theme song from "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

In down town Pakistan, Born And Raised
In a mud hut is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out Maxin out, scrappin for food
And shooting up infidals outside of school
When a couple of clouds, they were up to no good
Starting soaking everything in my neighbourhood
We had one big flood but nobody cares
So we're moving to England where we get free health care

hahahahaha

that's SO wrong but SO funny!!

LOL DL. I think it was so right and so funny! x

A Mexican, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde Scottish lassie are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.




He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this,
Drinks his beer,
Throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47,
And shoots the glass to pieces.








He says,
'In the Arab World,
We have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
With the same one twice either.'




The blonde Scottish lass,
Cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
Downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 12 bore, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.




Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,
And calling for a refill, she says,


'In Scotland we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


' God Bless Scotland'

george michael was found with a choccy bar up his bum.
after an ivestigation ,it seems he had been careless with a wispa.

DarkLord wrote:George Michael's settled well in Prison. He's already written a song about his skinhead Cell mate..... It will be his new single called "Hairless Fister"

El Guapo wrote:

DarkLord wrote:In tune with the theme song from "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

In down town Pakistan, Born And Raised
In a mud hut is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out Maxin out, scrappin for food
And shooting up infidals outside of school
When a couple of clouds, they were up to no good
Starting soaking everything in my neighbourhood
We had one big flood but nobody cares
So we're moving to England where we get free health care

hahahahaha

that's SO wrong but SO funny!!

Is it really funny!!!

sapphire wrote:george michael was found with a choccy bar up his bum.
after an investigation ,it seems he had been careless with a wispa.

PMSL Saffy!!! It didn't take long before the GM jokes started.

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon .. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

fackin brilliant mate

Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps.

Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.

Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk.

Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells:


"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"

LORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...



Judy married Ted; they had 13 children.
Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again,
,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret :

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel!"

If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round’. (Eddie Izzard)