Confessions Of A Demon Knight

**El Guapo** Tue Jun 01, 2010 6:16 am

Chapter 1 – The beginning.

A lot of people think death is the end. About 2500 years ago I found out this simply isn't true. Death isn't the end. Death is just the beginning and it's when all the real fun begins.

Most people when they die are sent to either Heaven or to Hell. It all depends on how they've lived their life and what kind of mood the big guy is in. Sometimes, just for a laugh, the silly bugger won't send you to either place and will instead sentence you to another few more years on Earth. Doctors will boast these extensions of life are due to advances in modern medicine. Bollocks to that. It's just the big guy being a vindictive git. Usually this tends to happen after Poker night on Fridays after the big guy has lost a few hands and wants to take his frustrations out on somebody. Don't take my word for it however. Go and research the number of people that are resuscited in hospitals all over the world on any given weekend and you'll find it's a far greater number than those resuscitated on a weekday. That's no coincidence...

Like I said, it all depends on His mood at the time.

I was one of the lucky ones. I got sent straight to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. I suppose this is just as well because the dollar doesn't really have much value down here anyway. I almost got sent to Heaven and if it hadn't been for the fact that I inadvertantly left my bathroom tap running which led to the Great Flood I would have been. You'd think they would have bloody thanked me. I made that Noah a bloody legend and got the big guy no end of publicity...

Hell really isn't as terrible as the living like to imagine. Sure, it can get a little humid and muggy down here from time to time but the barbeque area by the Ocean of Molten Lava is to die for. Quite literally. I suppose like most things in death Hell is what you want to make of it. Personally my idea of real Hell is being sentenced to an eternity in Heaven surrounded by virginal handmaidens playing the Harp and endlessly fluttering about with Halos. I think it's far better to be down here surrounded by experienced tattooed whores playing heavy metal rock and wearing black fishnets.

Another myth is this idea that Heaven and Hell are constantly at war. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. Relations are quite amicable and I've often enjoyed spending two weeks holiday skiing on Mount Olympus with Zeus and the other lads. And vice versa, very often they pop down here and visit me. Sometimes we even see Jesus himself spend a little time down here to top up his tan. Ever since Satan started selling timeshare apartments along the River Styx it's also been a common occurrence to see a few guardian Angels waterskiing.

Like all things nothing comes for free and even in the afterlife unless you're somebody important you need to get up every day and go to work. Jobs are usually assigned by either Satan or Jesus depending on which way the Scales of Justice swing. I must say at this point the Scales of Justice were a bloody let down. There I was expecting a giant magnificent set of scales made of shining gold and what I actually got was what looked like a cheap kitchen scale from Argos. On the sliding meter somebody had crudely written in red ink the word Hell after the scale reached 20 lbs. I say lbs but that too had been crossed out by the same calligrapher and crudely replaced (also in red ink) with the word Sins. To their credit whomever was responsible for the adaptation did at least try to make it look ominous. They even drew little itty bitty droplets of blood around the words as decoration...

My first job in Hell was as Ferryman for the Dead which was quite a good deal all things considered. It got me outdoors and the fishing was great. I also got to meet a few famous faces and had my picture taken with them. The one of me, Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur still holds pride of place on my mantelpiece.

My promotion to Demon Knight happened after I came up with the idea of Gordon Brown. Satan was running a competition amongst the undead asking us to come up with new ideas to screw over the living. After a heavy night of drinking I came up with the idea of a crazy one eyed Scotsman and shortly after that Mammon gave Satan a letter of recommendation for me. He told Satan that anybody with a mind as twisted and warped as mine that was capable of dreaming up the horror of a Labour government really ought to have some role of office down here.

And so my career as Demon Knight began. For a long time I enjoyed my role of being Hell's resident evil bastard but all that was set to change when a certain other person entered my life…Little did I know that events would cause me to return to Earth to carry out one final mission....