Jeremy Kyle - Online Relationships

Jeremy Kyle: Welcome Ladies and Gents to another edition. Today we're going to be meeting a man and a woman and amybe a few unexpected guests...

(winks at Camera)

...to discuss the perils of online relationships and bogus marriages. Let me waste no time and introduce our first guest! Please give a round of applause for Shell from Missouri!


(Muted applause)


Jeremy Kyle: Hello and welcome Shell. As you know today's topic is online marriages and we'd like you tell our audience here of your story..

Shell: Hello Jeremy. Well it all started about five years ago. I was bored and Wallmart was closed for refurbishment so I couldn't pass the time as I usually do by going there and licking the glaze off the doughnuts in the bakery aisle. I sat at home and stared gloomily at the fruit basket by the side of computer and the mouldy banana that was lying inside it and I suddenly realised that what I really needed was a man and what better place to find one is there than an online news discussion forum?

Jeremy: Go on...

Shell: So I joined a news forum. Not just any kind mind you. I wanted someone who was up to the same level of intelligence as me. I'm very well-read you know and I'm quite snobby when it comes to readng material. Only the finest authors like Stephen King hold pride of place on my bookshelf...

Jeremy: Move over Jane Austen.

Shell: Jane Austen? Does she post on Bitchfest? I'm sure I know that name..Probably another ID of that fucking bitch Fenella. I'll tell you all about her later. Anyway, as I was saying, I wanted somewhere with a better class of poster so I joined SOL.

Jeremy: SOL?

Shell: Yes. SOL. The Sun Online. Oh Jeremy, I can still remember the feeling now the first time I logged in and saw scores and scores of faceless people all telling each other to go and fuck their mothers. I knew, right there and then, that this was the place for me. If I was going to find anyone to love it would be here.

Jeremy: So what did you do then?

Shell: Well, what do you think? I immediately created my Poohbear account and set to work. Like any great successful military operation the key to success is to first cut all supply lines. In my case the supply lines to the potential online husbands on this site was all the other women so I set about targeting each one invidually to destroy them utterly.


(Cut to wide angle view of audience. Faint boos. Cut back to Guest Speaker)


Shell: Now don't you all boo me! Harsh times call for desperate measures and I hadn't had a man since my last husband tragically and accidentally climbed onto a stool, tied a noose around his neck and then somehow lost his footing.

Jeremy Kyle: You mean he killed himself?

Shell: Fuck off! Don't you ever say that about him! He didn't kill himself! He would never take his own life! It was that bastard Gravity that did it. Next door told me. I'm not sure who this Gravity is though and when I asked the police he just laughed at me.


(Cut to Indian man in turban in audience stifling laughter. Cut back to Jeremy Kyle)


Jeremy Kyle: Tell us about these other women you targeted.

Shell: Be a pleasure Jeremy. I can never get bored of such happy memories.

Jeremy: How many did you target?

Shell: Well you have to understand a lot of these women were playing smart too. The best way to get around a mans rejections to then approach with another ID. But not taking into account all these multi ID's I reckon at last count, of genuine individuals, probably abouuuuuuuuuuuut....seven hundred and forty two.


(Audience gasps)


Jeremy: Seven hundred and forty two!! Seven hundred and forty two lives you set out to ruin?!

Shell: Yes. I know what you're thinking and given enough time I would have hit that magic thousand too.

Jeremy: What did you to them?!

Shell: Oh well you know...just the usual. Rumours of webcam sex, married affairs, drug taking and maybe the the odd bit of homosexual prostitution. I compiled files on every member, screengrabbed entire threads and categories, and investigated any clue they may have unwittingly given as to location. It was hard work I can tell you but the rewards were there so I didn't mind. Not only that I really enjoyed it. Do you know? It really IS possible to make yourself feel better about yourself by making someone else feel like shit...


(Loud boos from the audience. Voice shouts "evil bitch!")


Jeremy: Please! Audience! Allow our guest to continue. There are many twists and turns in this story aren't there Shell?

Shell: Oh absolutely! It does get better. So where was I?

Jeremy: You had just destroyed the life of several hundred innocent women...

Shell: Oh yes..that's it. Happy days. But there was a problem Jeremy. I still hadn't found love and by this time I had amassed quite a following of members who would do anything I told them to. They understood who had the power you see. But I had to keep face with them. I wanted them to think all the men on this site were lusting after me so I did the only thing anyone in my position could do..

Jeremy: Which was?

Shell: I lied. I went to google images and searched for pictures of an average everyday ordinary British male. I figured that if I told everyone I had a lover who lived in England it would help explain how I was able to hold a steady relationship whilst actually spending every waking hour in front of the computer screen. So I searched and then I found him...I found my Andy.

Jeremy: Tell us more...

Shell: He was perfect Jeremy! I saw his face in Google images and the whole imaginary backstory just seemed to write itself! Three years down the line and I've managed to carry on a story that would rival any of your soap operas. The road to love sure is rocky Jeremy and there's more ups and downs on Andy and mines journey to the Altar than a fairground rollercoaster. I finally married him a few weeks ago though. I pretended he flew in to Britan on the Monday, got married on the Tuesday and flew back to Britain on the Wednesday. I timed the wedding to coincide with my planned surgery to remove my piles.

Jeremy: Well I have a surprise for you today Shell..

Shell: Wha..this wasn't..

Jeremy: Yes Shell. After the short commercial break we have another guest here. We've managed to track down the man you call Andy. The man in Google images that you have created this whole story about....AND WE HAVE HIM HERE! Yes! Ladies and Gentleman! After the short break we'll be talking to Andy himself who is really Keith, a bricklayer from Croydon!


(Audience claps wildly. Cut to commercial break)


Part 2 WIP...