Jokes section

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"




He said: "Who the fuck did your hair?"

Something guaranteed to offend absolutely everyone

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was
Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'



Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.


What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About
2.3 pounds including the urn.


Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says
'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden
shouted to me...'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his
one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 'No'
she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'


What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony
Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting
lists.


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.She
replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan


THE FOREHEAD DOT

Finally, someone has explained this. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian High Commission in
London , has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into
the union. On her wedding night, the husband
scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a corner
shop, a petrol station, a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or
a motel in the United Kingdom, If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support

Oh aren't I the lucky one, Thank you Mr Gorgon Brown lol


My associate has helped me to send your first payment of US$7,500 to you
as instructed by Mr.James Gordon Brown the British prime minister after
the last G20 meeting that was held on April 2nd in London, making you one
of the beneficaries. Here is the information below:

MONEY TRANSFER CONTROL NUMBER:8024087629
SENDER NAME:SOLOMON
Last name:DANEIL
AMOUNT: US$7,500

I told him to keep sending you US$7,500 twice a week until the FULL
payment of (US $360,000.00 Dollars) is completed within 6 (six) Months.For
track, send your Full Names via Email to:

Mr Garry Moore

E-mail:western.uniontransfer209@live.co.uk

Tel:+447045713697.

A man was staying at a hotel in while on a business trip and was a bit 'lonely.'
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... well, you get the picture ! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he decides to give her a call.

"Hello," a woman's voice purrs.

Jussus, but she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now !

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, ropes, cuffs, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want !

Now, how does that sound ?'


"Well," she says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line."



It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

I went to my first Muslim birthday party today!

Musical chairs was a bit slow...

but f*ck me, pass the parcel was fast!

Lubricant






Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this,

but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'


Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a f””kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

Two blondes walked into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap
for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't,
I've cut your arms off'..

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands..
Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out
of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doctor Doctor I can't stop singing The Green, Green
Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones
syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?
'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got
a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?' the doctor asks.
'Don't you start' says the guy.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look
great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin,
or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you,
you fat bast**d!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctors, he said,
'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said,
'Well don't go there anymore.'

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Involuntary Muscular Contractions




A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'



She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'




It took 45 minutes to restore order in the Classroom.........

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa swing the hammer, time after time.


'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!

A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On The opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less
serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first Aid was
given to both men; the platoon leader asked the injured soldier What had
happened?

The soldier reported, "I was moving north Along the highway here, and coming
south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I Yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag Who'd
got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a Fat,
useless, lying one-eyed porridge wog and Lord Mandelson is a pillow Biting
Gay Bastard!

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid,
hatchet faced lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
fucking bus hit us."

Hahahahahhahaha!!!

Brilliant!!!

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for back up.

Whats the situation?

A big fucking black geezar is dancing on a car roof he says!

You cant say that over the radio says the operator you have to use the politically correct terminology!

Ok. He says.... zulu tango sierra!

hahahahahahaha

Chelseaboy wrote:A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for back up.

Whats the situation?

A big fucking black geezar is dancing on a car roof he says!

You cant say that over the radio says the operator you have to use the politically correct terminology!










Ok. He says.... zulu tango sierra!

hahhahahaa ...

ewwwww lol....the going for a wee one

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts when murphy meets him and says if i can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag can i have one ?

Paddy said if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them,

Ok says murphy its 4.

imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms & kept their own name !

tescos condoms ..every little helps..
nike condoms.....just do it
peaugeot condoms..the ride of your life
kfc condoms .....finger lickin good
duracell condoms..just keep going & going & going
pringles condoms..once you pop you can't stop
burger king condoms..the home of the whopper
andrex condoms..soft strong &very long
mcdonalds condoms..i'm loving it
polo condoms.......the one with the hole....

pinched this from sol cheers cook