Re: BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here.

**Dame Edna** Thu Mar 25, 2010 6:06 pm

Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it'll be told for a thousand years.

“But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think our lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.”

That's why people invent fights. That's why we're drawn to sports. That's why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.

We're trying to make our life into a fairy tale.....Not my words, but I quite like them.. Wink

**Dame Edna** Thu Mar 25, 2010 6:09 pm

Hmmmmm, Platipusses ot Platipi?? Shocked

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BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 Baby-a10

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**Dame Edna** Thu Mar 25, 2010 6:13 pm

Mother nature is a great provider and gives us great pleasure in the wonderful gifts she bestows..But she can be a bitch at times... Evil or Very Mad

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Guest Thu Mar 25, 2010 6:16 pm

nelix wrote:
Hmmmmm, Platipusses ot Platipi??
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Lil things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes we are specks

**Dame Edna** Thu Mar 25, 2010 6:36 pm

A Solar eclips is a wonderfull sight to behold.. Very Happy

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BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 Eclips10

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**EarthsAngel** Fri Mar 26, 2010 3:30 am

Nel, some really amazing pics there!!!

**El Guapo** Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:01 am

Awww I love the baby (platipusses?)

They're right vicious buggers though when they grow up!! lol

Guest Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:27 am

Yes they are cute, but vicious.

"Platypuses locate their prey by detecting the small electric fields produced by their nerve and muscle activity. Males have sharp venomous spurs on their hind legs that they use for defence. The spurs administer (by way of a kick) a cocktail of at least four different toxins that cause intense pain that may last for several weeks." affraid

Guest Fri Mar 26, 2010 8:17 am

Well I was gonna say aww cute little platipusses till I read Maidens comment lol nasty little buggers arnt they ...

Why dont we have spell check on here I spet platipusses wrong lol .

Guest Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:58 pm

There are many thing we think are cute that have a sting in their tail.

**Dame Edna** Fri Mar 26, 2010 5:12 pm

A story in picture form... Very Happy

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BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 Guy_ju10

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BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 Guy_ju11

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**EarthsAngel** Sat Mar 27, 2010 6:47 am

Awww, poor little dog, what a brave guy to jump in and save it. Lovely Nel, made me feel all weepy!

**EarthsAngel** Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:03 am

**EarthsAngel** Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:06 am

**Dame Edna** Sat Mar 27, 2010 3:10 pm

Awwwww cute pic of the bears EA.. Very Happy

**Dame Edna** Sat Mar 27, 2010 7:06 pm

Heres another couple of cuties..Little and large Very Happy

KILL!!!!!

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**EarthsAngel** Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:29 am

Know anyone like this?

You may know some of these people, you may even work with them. One of them may even have sent you this message.....

#1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece as well.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we
could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in
change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.

#2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since.

#3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

#4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce....
#5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport...UK

#6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK....
#7
When my husband and I arrived at our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the fitter/mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK.....

STAY ALERT! The aliens have invaded them, yet they walk among us...

**EarthsAngel** Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:35 am

**EarthsAngel** Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:41 am

url=https://servimg.com/view/14807432/88] BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 Amaizi11

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**Dame Edna** Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:06 am

I've met a few folk like the above EA..Most of em work in my town I think.. Shocked

A very good sunday afternoon all, a little light reading for you.. Wink

Funny motor insurance claims... BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 853678

"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.." (Thanks M Robson)

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.." (Thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - Thanks N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

"A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.) (Thanks Ben Keirnan)

**EarthsAngel** Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:45 am

LOL Nel those were great! I hope you had a great weekend?

BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 Amaizi12

**Dame Edna** Sun Mar 28, 2010 1:01 pm

Great pic EA! A sleeping line of cats, how neat.. cheers

**Dame Edna** Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:56 am

BITS AND BOBS..Funny, serious, mad, bad, inane, insane...anything goes here. - Page 3 Elland10

I love this picture. Its a typical image of northern factory girls in the early 60's, bag of chips for dinner and the hair up in rollers to be combed out later for a night on the town. It reminds me so much of a woman I worked along side when I was 16/17. In all the months I worked with her, I never saw her come to work without her rollers in!!lolol Ahhhhh, happy days and memories.. Very Happy