Jokes section

American, Frechman Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel Tower.

American throws a load of money over the edge. "what did you do that for?" the others ask.

"we have so much money in the states that I can afford to".

The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of champagne over the top and says "we have so much champagne here that I can throw as much as I like over",

The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"

I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook. I said 'I can't wait for the new 911' & now 4000 muslims have added me as a friend!

A woman comes home & finds her hubby in bed with a female midget.

Furious, she screams "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"

The hubby says "For fucks sake luv can't you see I'm trying to cut down!

Two police women are out on foot patrol with their alsatian dog.

One says " I'm getting a bit cold and I've left my thermal knickers back at the station."

The other one says " Use the dog, give him a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you".

So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station.

Two hours later he returns with a truncheon, a plastic baton, a baseball bat and 3 of the Sergeants fingers.

Two asian brothers killed when they fell through a frozen pond in birmingham,

itv are to make a documentary on the 3rd brother who survived the ordeal...

Dan singh on ice will be screened in the spring.....

Very good! I must go and find some and add to the thread xxx

Alex Ferguson was walking down the touchline after a match when a women leaned forward with an autograph book so he signed it,

then a women lent forward without a top on so he signed he breasts,

suddenly a woman jumped over the barrier lifted her skirt and spread her legs,Sir Alex stopped immeditaly and said "Sorry love Benitez signs all the Cunts".

Split up with the misses last night. She said i think about football more than i think about her. I was devastated, ive been with her 12 seasons.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, f*** off!'.....

Essex girl in car crash "i think iv got concussion"

paramedic asks "how many fingers have i got up?"

The girl replys "oh god my fanny's paralysed too!"

Renault & Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus & calling it the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink & the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is & how to do it.

Rumor has it that it leaks transmission fluid around once a month & can be a real c*nt to start in the morning.....

Paddy goes to the doctors with a bad back, doctor asks how did you do it?

Paddy replies having sex doggy style

Doctor says try having sex the normal way?

Paddy said i have but the dog keeps licking my face. !

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock made from Cadburys chocolate,

She said that she prefers Terrys

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said,
'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She
said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said

'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled,
and said, 'Well, you surely are something else!
How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling,

patted him on the back and said:
'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.
This one's black.'

Hiya dolly x

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge up & said,
i've spoken to John Terry & he's lost the Captains armband,

do me a favour and have a good look under your bed.

Password Protection!

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin



When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied



''Bejazus! are yez fekkin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one Capital''

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by approx. 25% this January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.



The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.



General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."



Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.



Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".



Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so keen on going to paradise.

pmsl earth love the paddy joke.. x

The blonde and Bob
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't..'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
Fair's fair here's your money

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money,

I saw this earlier on the 5PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money....

A liverpool fan goes into a shop and sees liverpool the glory years video.

How much he inquires. £100 quid says the shopkeeper.

Thats a bit steep isnt it? He asks.

Well its a tenner for the video and £90 quid for the betamax recorder

Chaos reigns at the winter olympics.

After the death in the luge the irish bob sleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted!

Heather Mills has been disqualified from dancing on ice.

Producers have said that a piece of wood with a blade on the end is technically sledging