Jokes section

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".

– David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.

– The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jamal, aged six.

– I’ve just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to come with me? We’ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home.

– I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.

– What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

– Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied: “No way. You got yourself into this mess. Don’t ask me to sort it out!”

– What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

– Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door.

– I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

– What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.

– What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

What do you call a Monkey in a Minefield??

A Baboom!

Thor the Thundergod visits Earth in order to let out some sexual frustration.

After having 10 hours of red hot passionate sex with a buxom blonde he picks up in a bar the girl then turns to him and breathlessly pants "Wow. That's was amazing. I didn't even have time to catch your name.."

"I'm Thor," replies the Thundergod.

"You're Thor? She giggles. "Me too...I'm tho thor I won't be able to thit for at leatht a week..."

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

EarthsAngel wrote:A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Hahahahaha! I'm gonna tell Damien that one...

What do u call the 1st pakistani off the boat?
Amhere.
What do u call the 2nd paki off the boat?
Amhere Azwel,
what do you call the third paki off the boat?
Amhere azwel azhim.

Just started a company selling prayer mats with bombs hidden in them outside mosques.
Business is booming.
Prophets are going through the roof.

helloooo CB...

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief,
Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed

Hiya dolly

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

The Rat

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied:
'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS.
They were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist,

'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Liverpool football club supporter, and anything French!'

I take offense at a Liverpool Football supporter...

dolly wrote:I take offense at a Liverpool Football supporter...

I take offence at Liverpool supporters too Dolly. Can't help but think....why even bother following football? hehehe

El Guapo wrote:

dolly wrote:I take offense at a Liverpool Football supporter...

I take offence at Liverpool supporters too Dolly. Can't help but think....why even bother following football? hehehe

hahahahaha you sod ....

Gary Glitter is en route to Chile,
apparently news of 33 trapped minors was too tempting to ignore!

ha ha ha, some great jokes on here. Hi CB x

IF YOU THINK EDUCATION IS EXPENSIVE, TRY IGNORANCE










Jewish Maths

Jewish woman says to her mother: "I'm divorcing Shlomo ...all he wants is
anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to
be the size of a 5 cent piece."


Mother says: "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman ...you live
in an 8 bedroom mansion ... you drive a Ferrari ...you get $10,000 a week
allowance ... you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that
away for 45 cents??!!"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"
she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

>
> A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as
> he was unable to get his manhood erect.
>
> The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
> base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and
> there was nothing he could actually do for him.
>
> However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is
> willing to take the risk.
>
> The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s
> trunk into his 'old fella'.
>
> The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go
> through life without sex was too much for him to bear.
>
> So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant,
> the man decided to go for it.
>
> A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
> try out his newly renovated equipment.
>
> As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took
> her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner
> he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of
> being extremely painful.
>
> To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out,
> slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to
> his trousers.
>
> His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her
> face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
>
> With tears in his eyes he replied,
>
> 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my
> arse'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, "says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get off the f***ing car!"

In tune with the theme song from "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

In down town Pakistan, Born And Raised
In a mud hut is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out Maxin out, scrappin for food
And shooting up infidals outside of school
When a couple of clouds, they were up to no good
Starting soaking everything in my neighbourhood
We had one big flood but nobody cares
So we're moving to England where we get free health care